Woman verse Machine

January 13th, 2010 - I have a confession to make...I have reached the ripe old age of.......well let's just say I have reached a ripe old age, and I have never been a member of a gym, before now. So, walking into the gym and seeing all the machines and being told I had to use them was like learning about the birthing process. My reaction was the same..THERE IS NO WAY. There are some people who just look at a machine and know how to work it, I am not one of them. I have all the mechanical savvyness of a rock.

With my Czar at my side (who by the way, has forbidden me to use the 'can't' word, as if I say 'can't' very often) we tackled each machine. First there was the hanging machine. You sit on a bench, with nothing to lean back on, reach for this horizontal bar that hangs 3 feet above your head and pull it gently to your chest. Yeah right, I can't do this. For starters I could not reach the bar, much less pull to my chest with the 10 pound weight attached. I was almost yanked out of my seat when I lost my grip on the bar. The good news is at least I was sitting on it in the right direction, one of my buddies was sitting on it backwards when she attempted to try it out. Next machine. This machine was supposed to work my calf muscles, no problem, I would have been fine until she told me to make sure the bar was close across my lap to hold me in. That was enough to scare me off. I 'can't' use any machine that requires a lap bar to hold you in, cannot possibly be safe. If I want to be held down with a bar across my lap I will ride a roller coaster. Off to the next machine. Now this one I was ok with, it would work my upper arms. A tall machine with a cord hanging down and two thingies to hold on to. All you had to do is adjust the machine to your height, put on some weight (on the machine not weight on your body), step a couple of feet away from the machine and then pull the thingies toward you and release every ever so slowly. Well with all my might I pulled on the thingies, which barely stretched out a foot, and started to let loose, when I was yanked from my standing position and slammed into the poles that have the weights attached to them. Three strikes I am out. I 'can't' do this. The machines wins round one.

Battered, but not beaten, I utter Arnold's famous words, "I'll be back"...and when I do come back I will be armed with a crowbar and a hammer.