The battle of the wasps

August 4, 2010 - Summer is in full swing, slow oven roasting is replaced by smoking grills outside, jeans, sweatshorts and tennis shoes are replaced by shorts, tank tops and flip flops, snow blowers are replaced with lawn mowers, and salting the driveway to melt the ice is replaced by building your arsenal to prevent the bug and wasps invasions.

For the record, I am a person who is terrified of bugs, any kind, any size, any color. Yes, even lady bugs or catterpillers leave me screaming, crying and taking cover. But the worst are wasps. First of all they fly, gives them the advantage. Second, these suckers sneak up on you quietly, one day you are sitting on the porch minding your own business, can of raid in hand for the occasional spider that dares to get close and you see one buzz by, then two, then you notice something strange in the corner of your roof, or in the crease of a door jam, or a window corner, even on a tree limb, and you realize you have a wasp nest. With that realization you see an army of wasps taking nose dives your way as they make their way into the nest. My nest was pointed out to me by, well let's call him 'guy number one'. Very casually, as he picks me up for our date, he mentions, oh by the way you have a rather large wasp nest in the peak of your roof line. Don't want to alarm you but it is the biggest I have ever seen, they are going into the vent, probably taking over your attic and it is only a matter of time before the bore through the ceiling and attack you while you are sleeping until you are nothing but a giant oversized whelt. But no big deal. I look at the guy with eyes that say, are you just an idiot bringing me this kind of news or are you looking for today to be your one and only date. Instead I say, well what do I do? Thinking he will say don't worry I got you covered, I took care of it before I ever rang your door bell. But no, he says, "well you need to go buy some raid, in the black can, get some pretective clothing, buy an epi-pen, finish your will for the survivors in your family, and then just aim and shoot. I now want to take this man and make him my human shield if and when I get up the courage to kill this nest. And he is like, no big deal. I had a couple of next this morning around my house and I killed them. It is then that he says, yeah I got stung, but the swelling is almost gone and once I pulled the stinger out it didn't hurt as much. Then he gives me the big smile and asks, "ready to go have dinner"? And I am thinking, "oh yeah and it is going to cost you big time. That will teach you to bring me bad news, without offering to take care of the problem." I guess chivalry is dead and I am going to have to tackle the wasps on my own.

I thought a man was supposed to help a damsil in distressed, galliantly swing his sword, or in this case, his can of raid to protect his lady, and then when the danger was gone, she would ride off with him into the sunset. But, not any more. But wait, I just got a call from guy number one and he let me know, "I took care of your wasps nest, they are dead, and I will be back later to remove the nest." Smile on my face, relief in my heart, and guy number 1 just took a giant step forward. Now all I need is to him to show up so we can ride into the sunset. Life is promising.