Sardines in a can

March 21st, 2010 - I am off to the airport again, for another 8 hours of travel time. As if that isn't bad enough, I get to be a sardine in a can in one of our lovely airlines spacious seating arrangements. Where they place 200 passengers in a space large enough to accommodate 150. And let's not even talk about the various sizes of people that will be fitting into these spaces. All I can say is I am short and my knees almost touch the seat in front me, and that is before they release the button to push their seat back.

So here how it goes, usually there are three seats across on both sides of the plane. For what ever reason no matter how you board, if you are the aisle person you will always end up on the plane first, so you will have to get up, stand in the aisle, and wait for the person in the middle or window to get in. Sometimes you do this twice, as the middle person and the window person never come at the same time. And if you have the misfortune to get the middle seat, well you are in for a real treat. First of all, you need to understand the middle seat has no claim to any territory, especially the arm rests. Those are always captured by the window seat and the aisle seat persons. So here is my trick, if you do get the middle seat, as you seat down and settle, reach into the pocket in front of you and pull out the 'airsick' bag. Open it up and strategically place it so you can grab it right away. Then look to the people on either side of you and ask them if they will be needing theirs. At this time their eyes will open wide as they reluctantly give it to you. They will ask if you feel sick, to which you smile slightly and say, I have real bad motion sickness, most of the time after I get sick two or three times it stops. Then when you begin to take off, make small gagging noices and quickly reach for your bag. By this time the window person and the aisle person are as far away from you as they can possibly lean. At this time you place each of your arms on the now vacant arm rests, and claim them for the rest of the ride. It works everytime.
It is about this time, when I am finally settled, that the person in front of me thinks it would be a good time to stretch out, so they push the seat back very forcefully as if pushing a boulder, and lay their head in your lap. Now you can see every hair on their head, and anything else that is in their head. To make this go away, start coughing while leaning forward and continue to do so every few minutes, until the person in front of you gets the hint and returns their seat to a normal position. I don't know who the airlines think they are kidding, but there is not room on an aircraft to lean back, cross your legs, or really to turn a page of your book without causing an inconvenience to someone near you.

So, with that said, I am off. There used to be a time when traveling was a luxury, a pampered experience, with meals served and space to stretch out. But those days are long gone. So before I get on the plane, I will visit the restroom, have my book in hand, cover myself with my sweater, as you no longer can get a blanket, and pray, since I have a window seat, that the person next to me does not get sick.